Friday, August 18, 2006


QUIET MUSINGS

Little things mean alot.I understand this now.I always used to think,what's the difference,the little things.But i understand now,little things are the beginnings of big things.Big,happy,new things.A touch on the arm.I understand,Babe.

Then little things have its own enigmatic purposes.Every breath has its point.Maybe not as an enigma, but as a function.Every deft movement of-Wait.I just had Deja vu.I was writing this,and i thought of a meadow,a greenish place, with a lone canal running through, dotted with yellow flowers.And a woman,in blue,i think.Bollywoodish.I had deja vu of my thoughts.Weird.You have Deja vu of actions, of people and of places,not of thoughts.Yet,they are stangely familiar,though i am certain i've never thought it before.Now, i'm thinking, what if everything's a deja vu.What if the brain does see, albeit momentarily,into the future,or lest the past?Everything, pregnant with the waiting of the smallest measure of time(which i have talked about in one of my posts) in the next multitude of tiny explosion in consciousness.Everything, pregnant, that the mind's eye can see.Eventually..Eventuality.Bah,I lost another thought.Something came,but it went.Right now, i feel so conscious.

But,i feel conscious even in when i'm unconscious.I had a dream last night.I can still feel that warmth.It was so real.Too real.It's scary.But it was enjoyable.It happened last time too,before everything.Though that was on the cheek.It felt so real.And they both contained one special person.I think you can guess.Thank You.

I dreamt i fell of a cliff once.And when i landed, my body spasmed.The bed shook.I dreamt a friend died,once.It wasn't pleasant.But they were both so real.The sound, the emotion.Always the emotion.Especially the emotion.Scarily real.It was like, it could have happened,somewhere else.Perhaps,it did happen.Another time, another place.It happened there in order for it to not happen here,ya know?Maybe.

COP tomorrow.Then i'm heading to good old CCKSS for some fair or another.We'll see.I hate revisiting places.It brings back memories.And memories,good or bad,are painful.Sometimes, i wonder if its better if no one remembers me when i die.I don't want to cause them heartache.I don't want to cause anyone heartache.It's the worse kind of ache around.A crushing void,vacuum feeling.I hate it.

I don't know why emotions play such a huge part in my life.I don't know why i was given the ability to take it out.Of context,of perspective,and study it.Sometimes,i feel ostracized,because of it.I ostracize myself,i guess.God has his reasons i suppose.Emotions make life just that.Life.
That's why i hold them in high regard.I don't know why i think like this.I just do.It's so me.But i like it.It gives me stuff to think about.If only this were my life's work.Maye it is.But i think it would only serve to depress me.Mankind is flawed.

"I reach out, to touch the heights.And i question,do i want to?But i know i must.Eventually.I just hope it wasn't curiousity that killed that cat."-Me

It cannot be quiet musings if you're reading it.Paradox.The ultimate of which i think is a man shoting himself.That is, if a man goes back to the past and shoots himself.But what about if he shoots himself in the present?Is that not a paradox?Hmmm...Perhaps in QUIET MUSINGS 2.

alone at 6:14 AM

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